1-8-21 im so sick of the instability of others, i go to work and have no idea if each day is going to be ok for me or not. i've been so disrespected and talked down to there lately, like im stupid or a child. I go into work and right after I clock in I instantly get shouted at and scolded. I feel like I can't do anything right, I'm constantly being hawked over by others and usually angrily quesitoned over something I've already done right. a girl there has randomly started making me her target to be mean to whenever she feels like it, at least that's what it seems like. I say anything to her and she responds to me in such a mean way and talks to me like I'm incompetent. it truly is hurting my spirit, it leaves me feeling so hurt, it brings up bad feelings in me, maybe its a build up but each time its harder for me to handle. but then i numb out and dont feel anything at all for a bit which is better than being upset but still sucks. I just want to be happy, I wish that others didn't affect me so badly. I just hate being the person that everyone can take their anger out on and all i do is go quiet or cry, which doesn't help because it makes me seem weak. i hate being the punching bag, even though i try so hard to be nice and good, its not enough? i dont know what im doing wrong.

1-26-21 i dont feel well, i feel empty. i really need to start looking into my future. maybe im subconsciously avoiding it because im afraid of growing up. probably. my anxiety is kinda high today and ive been extra quiet. just thinking a lot, but thankfully pushing away upsetting thoughts. i've been better at doing that. i feel alone rn, but it doesnt bother me so much. i hope tommorow is better. i have hope it will be. maybe i should get some sleep soon so i can wake up with energy, it sucks feeling so dead tired in the morning. but ya idk.

2-8-21 ok, i have to get my life together. it's time it really is. i have to start working on myself every single day and exploring the things i like. who am i? i don't even know, i feel like i don't really have an identity and i want to find it. it changes so much. the few things i know i like are music, writing, makeup, art and fashion. i kind of stopped writing so much but i think i really wanna start doing that again. i'm good at it and it makes me feel a lot better. things are gonna be kind of hard for a little bit, but thats ok. im not very good at being alone but i know i need to learn how to be. it kind of sucks but how else am i going to grow? i have never let myself be alone, my head usually always thinking of someone or worrying about situations in the past or future. constant worrying and anxiety with the occasional burst of happiness every once in awhile. but why worry? worry does nothing. i need to live, i want to enjoy life. i dont want to be sad or worrying anymore. and i have wasted such a great amount of time doing so over and over for such a long time in my life. i have to break the cycle. i think i need to start over. im thinking of maybe dissapearing from most of the internet for awhile. ill still have my phone and computer but maybe no social medias. i need a break. social media has been one of the things to consume my life since such a young age. it hasn't done very much good for me. i need to be happy with myself. so, lets see if i can do that. i believe in myself. im gonna really try to believe in myself and give myself a chance. i want to make everyone proud.

2-24-21 im so everywhere, i do so well and feel so happy then feel so bad out of nowhere. i just want to be a healthy medium, its always one extreme or another. ive been so good lately, so little bad moments but today has just not been a good one. im insecure, im so self conscious of my apperance lately. I just don't feel pretty, i've been picking apart my apperance lately but im so determined to fix it. i want to love myself. so badly. i seek validation in others, but it will never last, its so temporary. no matter how much im complimented, the high from that validation only lasts for so long. i, myself have to believe it. i take comfort in knowing that one day i will look back and wish that I would have enjoyed my youth if i dont now, so it makes me at least appreciate it more. but yea. i also found that its weird that when you lose people you're close to, its the small moments that you miss the most. at least for me. weird isnt it? i will be ok though, i am ok i think. i haven't cried much lately, well i did today LOL. but that's because of my boss, he's just so uneccsarily mean sometimes. it's funny, i've noticed that when people are mean to me lately, they try and make up for it more than usual. they apologize minutes later and talk to me extra nice and try to act like nothing happened. even my boss. i've had two people apologize for being rude to me for no reason lately. it's odd that people will be mean or rude for no reason in the first place though. but i guess its alright, i usually always accept apologies. idk, i need to start making music again. ive been so focused on work and school. music helps a lot though.